Lately its become so frustrating, not only do I have no real friends here anymore. The people I used to be friends with, and to be honest they have usually been guys because I'm just not really able to be friends with a lot of girls. But most of the "friends" that I have had in the past have been guys, not guys I slept with, not guys I really "dated" just guy friends. People to hang out with. But lately even guys I have known for years have told me that the girls they are dating don't want them to talk to me really because they say I'm "intimidating". what does that even mean?! What is so intimidating about me? I'm married, I have three boys and I live in a completely different area now. These are people I have been friends with for like 12 years not people I've known for a few weeks or months, I've known them since middle school so how in the world did I all of the sudden become intimidating to their girlfriends? Plus its not like its a new girlfriend these are girls they have kids with and have been with for several years too. What do they think I am a home-wrecker? Why would I do anything to hinder their relationships when I am married and have been with my husband for five and a half years? I want nothing to do with these guys other than continue to be friends with someone I've known since childhood. What is possibly wrong with that?
Everything is so frustrating lately in general. Nothing ever works out the way its planned. Yes the boys are healthy and learning new things every day. School is going good, my grades were posted and I got a 3.9 in English and a 3.5 in Greek History, so over all a 3.7 for the quarter which bumped my GPA to a 3.48 cumulative. Its everything else that seems to be making me crazy.
Hubby can't find a job, and for awhile it didn't even seem like he cared if he found something or not. School is hard enough raising three boys but then trying to find a job in this economy is hell. But living off of student loans is getting old. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life with no money because I wanted to get a better education.
I want to be able to go to college up north, but I'm terrified to do it because that means I have to move back to my home-town where I left 6 years ago on less than agreeable terms. Ive been here for six years now. I've tried to build a life here and forget the past but its hard when you are considering going back.
I don't want to go back and have the old crowd find me, I'm not the same person anymore. But I have nothing stopping me here either. Other than the minor setback of my oldest son's father, but we wouldn't be too far away, so visitation would not have to change at all, just a bit different transportation schedule.
But his life is harder now too with his wife leaving him for another man. Which in turn leads to him crying on my shoulder about how she is screwing him over with the custody of their child too. I don't want to be involved in the issue I want to stay as far from their drama as possible but some how he has to drag me into it because of our past... whole different story... but I'm worried about our son because his wife and their kids have been in his life the whole time my son has had any relationship with him, again another story... Now his visitation is just with his dad and no one else around and that terrifies me.I don't know if he takes care of him, if he feeds him, gets up with him and makes sure he is okay. I don't know what happens because I know his wife did all of that for him for the past 4 years...
Ugh I'm scared and frustrated. I can't wait for my shrink appointment, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't life being confused and stressed out. Why can't things get better. I want a new start.
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